…”Come unto me and rest;
lay down, thou weary one, lay down
thy head upon my breast.”
I came to Jesus as I was,
so weary, worn, and sad;
I found in him a resting place,
and he has made me glad.
This song began to run through my head tonight in response to the word “weary” being the most accurate description for how I’m doing at this very moment. I still have a couple more hours of work that I need to get done tonight. I may not be able to complete it, but I need to keep pushing towards getting it done until I’m no longer coherent. It’s only more complicated trying to do it during the day between homeschooling and taking care of other responsibilities that have to be done during the day.
So, I’m wishing I could literally lay down my head, but until I can, I’m spiritually responding to the invitation in this song, and once again, coming to Jesus (not that I have to go far 🙂 ) as I am~~weary, worn and sad.
Well, not sad so much tonight. But very weary and worn.
I think I might actually have some good news, or at least the possibility of good news about my housing situation. A Christian mortgage broker has taken on my housing situation very seriously and will be meeting with some underwriters with her company to discuss financing the house we are renting, which the owner has had to put up for sale. I was not very cooperative with this broker at the beginning. After four (or maybe it was five) failed attempts with other mortgage companies (my parents contacted a couple of them, I contacted a couple and the owners also contacted one or two on my behalf), I was very demoralized and did not want to tell my story to one more mortgage broker, confidently promising that she could arrange something, only to have it fall through.
My lifestyle is non-conventional and rather crazy. It doesn’t make any financial sense. God is providing for me? Well, that’s fine, but do you have receipts to show that? Can He write a letter to prove that He’ll keep providing? What, you’re a single Mom and you don’t have a “real” job? You work part time? You homeschool? You make how much each month? You’re self-employed? And you have skills that you could be working full time at a steady-paying job? Well, for Pete’s sake, why aren’t you working full time at that steady job?
The questions were never asked quite that bluntly, but after several attempts at that, I was discouraged and demoralized. I didn’t need the repeated reminders that trusting God looks crazy. Friends would say, “Oh, I know this mortgage broker that can really get creative financing.” But I just couldn’t face being told, yet again, that my lifestyle is so far beyond “creative” as to look financially irresponsible, even though I am not in debt and have a good credit rating. My parents have been highly involved in this process, totally willing to cosign, but my income is so non-verifiable that I didn’t even qualify as part of a co-signed agreement.
I knew that God had been providing so that I could still mainly be at home. And I have no guarantees how long that I will be able to do that. But each day at home, I take as a gift from Him. I also knew that, if I were able to purchase this home, the payments would be very comparable to what I’d be paying for rent for a smaller place in the same town. But, without a mortgage, it didn’t seem like it would be possible to purchase the home and stay here, unless it were through a private investor, and no one was coming out of the woodwork for that, either. What I came to realize was that, if the only way I could qualify for this house would be to get a full time, steady job (which I could probably do immediately as a clerk for the school board), that I would rather choose to be at home with my children, even if it meant another move, as much as I dread that.
Now, with all of that background, I am asking that you would be praying tomorrow specifically about this. Because this Christian* mortgage broker thinks she has an underwriter willing to agree to a mortgage that my parents and I cosign. She is going to be meeting with some of the underwriters with her company tomorrow and will be explaining to them in great detail my situation. I am still in a bit of shock that she is very serious–serious enough that she wants us to go ahead and write up a contract and get the house appraised. Once they have a contract in hand, they will do the final deciding. But, tomorrow’s meeting is a significant one in this process.
So, here I am, back to “Your will be done,” holding my hands out. Tired of the uncertainty and strain. Confident God could provide so that I can stay. Knowing I’ll have to trust Him to carry me through another move if He doesn’t provide in this way. Weary and worn, but still hearing the voice of Jesus and still trusting Him to provide a resting place, even in the most unlikely of places and least restful of scenarios.
* I don’t say “Christian mortgage broker” implying that God can only do miracles through Christian people. It has just been reaffirming to be working with someone who understands and is encouraging about my situation, which can only make sense in the context of faith-living.