Okay, so I know I think about heavy things a lot. I know much of my writing seems depressing and sad. I know I’m a very serious person. And I really do appreciate the people that worry about me because I am so often so sad. And I appreciate that some of those people keep caring about me and keep loving me, even though they really do think I should lighten up.
I’ve been sad a lot this weekend. No surprise there, really, as weekends are when I try to schedule in as much “therapeutic depression” as my work load allows. This weekend, though, more than some others, I’ve been crying or about to cry for much of the time. Other times, my weekend depressions don’t take the sad form as much as they take the hole-up-at-home form. So what I was noticing was that being sad and crying a lot doesn’t mean that I don’t feel happy or smile at all. Sometimes when I’m most sad, I feel the things that make me smile most acutely.
And I was thinking, since I don’t have energy to write a serious post on all the things going through my mind (more about the loneliness of smart, church, relationships, etc.), I’d share a few of the things that have been making me smile even while I’m crying:
Lingamish–whether he’s writing serious stuff or doing his Satire-Day posts, he makes me laugh.
Cartalk radio program. Those guys are amazing and so very funny. Last night I was so tired, but when I got to bed, I just couldn’t unwind enough to fall asleep. So I laid in bed and listened to Click and Clack, and was just relaxed enough to fall asleep when they were done. (I know, I know listening to a radio show that makes you laugh, while lying in bed, is not the way doctors suggest for dealing with insomnia. But I normally don’t have trouble sleeping, so it’s not like it’s a bad habit, and, well, it worked for me.)
Fun music. This week, we checked out a CD by Tom Hall from the library, called Country Songs for Children. I’ve listened to it several times, even while my children are not here. We all love it, and many of the songs make me smile big inside and outside each time I hear them. I’ve decided that country music is a great genre for me, because happy and sad are all mixed up together in it. The music can be nostalgic and make me feel like crying, but at the same time make me smile. You can listen to samples of this fun CD at the link over at Amazon.com. I think song #15, “Let’s Play Remember” could be my theme song as an ISFJ. Listening to that song and tuning into my thoughts and feelings as I listened to it helped me start to articulate some things I struggle with. But, I’ll save that navel gazing for another time. (ha! ha! did you notice I finally got that spelled right? not nasal gazing and not naval gazing?!!!!)
Something else that makes me smile–Computers that do what you want them to do! Yes, it does happen. Last week, I had a mini-trauma, thinking that I lost some pretty significant information in Word Perfect that helps speed up my work. In the end, I found the information, but I was still in a tizzy and panic because I’ve never been able to figure out how to back up the dictionary and Word Perfect shortcuts. This scare just reminded me of how terrible it is that I didn’t have any good way of saving that information in a usable form. A friend I met via blogging did some research and a lot of work and came up with a solution–a macro that converts all my WP quick correct expansions to text. It was so wonderful to sit and watch that macro do its thing. I smiled and smiled watching it. And I’m still smiling in spite of all my tears this weekend, whenever I look at the wonderful eight pages of text that I have as a result. Sometimes a paper copy feels so much more safe than the same thing saved on a computer somewhere!
What else makes me smile? My house. Yes, I’m still living in the same place I thought several months ago I’d be moving out of soon. Granted, it’s up for sale, but nothing’s moving on the housing market right now. I know my time is uncertain here, but being here still makes me smile. My town. I love the town where I live (which probably seems confusing to some people here, since I still get very sad about other places I’ve lived and miss, especially places I left without good closure). But, I drive around my town and feel so at home here, it makes me smile. It’s such a comforting, homey, friendly place to be sad 🙂
So, that’s a small glimpse into my all mixed up, happily sad or sadly happy life. Which is it? Probably more the former than the latter. And this is my meager attempt to prove to all my friends who want me to lighten up that I’m really not as morbidly depressed and excessively serious as I might look to more naturally humourous people.
Back to the drawing board. I’ve got two more doctors to type for tonight. Not quite enough energy to get it done efficiently and quickly. Not quite enough hours left to afford to do it anything but efficiently and quickly. If you read this on Sunday night, please do pray for me that it will go smooth and I can get good rest before the week starts tomorrow morning with the mad Monday morning rush.